Dance

I went to a dance class tonight. I haven't danced since the fourth grade. Now I am sitting in the over sized lazy boy in my living room drinking a cup of chai tea. I made the cup of tea because I thought it was going to make me feel better. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure how. Maybe I'm nursing my ego more than anything...

This dance class was intense. I felt like one of those tweens on that MTV show Made. I'm almost positive that I had that same look on my face that those kids have the first day of their "training". That look of, "Oh...my...God. What did I sign myself up for?" I tried to contort my body the ways I hadn't in years, but I quickly realized I have rolls in places now that I didn't then that quickly stop me from bending or stretching as far I want.

When did I let myself go? I'm fully aware of weight I've gained since high school but the person I saw in the mirror tonight didn't match the mental picture I had for myself. I felt shame slowly creep over me.

Then something happened, and don't ask me where it came from because I have no idea, but I had a breakthrough. I started having a talk with myself. One of those pep talks you have in your head but you really don't believe half of what your saying (thinking?). I told myself that I could do this I just wasn't confident. That's all it boils down to. I don't believe in myself. And in the middle of trying to count and shimmy and for the most part, dance, I realized that is how I am with everything in my life. My marriage, my work, my friendships, even this blog and this is where it's not suppose to matter. I am so scared that I won't be able to live up to my own expectations and worry about what others will think that I don't even try. I fail before I start because I don't try. I want to start out amazing and if I don't, I stop. How sad it that? How much have I missed and how much potential have I not lived up because I'm scared?

So, I silently vowed to put and end to this. I haven't figured out how I'm going to do that yet but I think I will start with this dance class. Monday I am going to show up (that is, if I can move) and keep dancing. I might not be the best but from now on that's where I'm going to draw my inspiration. I refuse to fear failure.