Honest

Honesty is the best policy.

Really?

Is there a time when honesty isn't the best policy?

I'm not talking about the, 'Does my hair look bad?' honesty or honesty in relationships. I'm talking about honesty with oneself.

In the last year I've had to come to some pretty harsh realizations. Mostly about myself. Things that I don't think necessarily have made my life any better since I've realized them. Things that now that I have realized them are burdensome.

So is there a line that can be drawn? I want to draw a big fat line in my life and I don't want to cross it until I'm ready. I don't want to deal with the co-decency, past abuse, or control issues until I'm ready. I don't want to bite off more than I can chew anymore in my self discovery.

I'm tired of honesty. I think I'm going to abandon honesty for a little while. I want to be oblivious.

Dance

I went to a dance class tonight. I haven't danced since the fourth grade. Now I am sitting in the over sized lazy boy in my living room drinking a cup of chai tea. I made the cup of tea because I thought it was going to make me feel better. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure how. Maybe I'm nursing my ego more than anything...

This dance class was intense. I felt like one of those tweens on that MTV show Made. I'm almost positive that I had that same look on my face that those kids have the first day of their "training". That look of, "Oh...my...God. What did I sign myself up for?" I tried to contort my body the ways I hadn't in years, but I quickly realized I have rolls in places now that I didn't then that quickly stop me from bending or stretching as far I want.

When did I let myself go? I'm fully aware of weight I've gained since high school but the person I saw in the mirror tonight didn't match the mental picture I had for myself. I felt shame slowly creep over me.

Then something happened, and don't ask me where it came from because I have no idea, but I had a breakthrough. I started having a talk with myself. One of those pep talks you have in your head but you really don't believe half of what your saying (thinking?). I told myself that I could do this I just wasn't confident. That's all it boils down to. I don't believe in myself. And in the middle of trying to count and shimmy and for the most part, dance, I realized that is how I am with everything in my life. My marriage, my work, my friendships, even this blog and this is where it's not suppose to matter. I am so scared that I won't be able to live up to my own expectations and worry about what others will think that I don't even try. I fail before I start because I don't try. I want to start out amazing and if I don't, I stop. How sad it that? How much have I missed and how much potential have I not lived up because I'm scared?

So, I silently vowed to put and end to this. I haven't figured out how I'm going to do that yet but I think I will start with this dance class. Monday I am going to show up (that is, if I can move) and keep dancing. I might not be the best but from now on that's where I'm going to draw my inspiration. I refuse to fear failure.

Try

I'm not really in any mood to blog but I'm going to try. It's the kind of try when your about to leave for a trip and you try to use the bathroom. You're not super stoked on the idea but you do it anyways. That's how I feel about blogging right now...

This week has been challenging and I'm not fond of challenging weeks. I'm trying to get better at this whole Sensaria thing and it has taken me out of my comfort zone BIG TIME! I'm the worst about worrying what people will think of me so it's been extra uncomfortable picking up the phone to call and ask people to host parties. I think the products are great and I'm a devoted customer myself so what's the big deal, right? I just don't want people to think I'm being annoying. Even if annoying is paying the bills...

On another bad note, I had my IUD put in today and it was painful. I was just recently diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and the IUD was put in place to protect the lining of my uterus to keep it from becoming hyperplastic. Having PCSO means that conceiving will be a lot tougher, if not impossible for me and Justin. At first I was okay with everything because having a baby is something we haven't started to think about. The last couple of days however, I have found myself going back and forth. I'm happy that we don't have to worry about any "surprises" right now, or for the next 5 years (while the IUD is in place), but what about when we do want to have children? What will happen then? I know that God hasn't given me a heart for adoption for nothing but what happens when my maternal instincts kick in and my biological clock starts ticking? I've been trying not to think about it because I can get pretty worked up if I do. I guess like most things we will just have to cross that bridge when we get there.

BLAH! I hate being so negative. I'm just in a crummy little mood, aren't I?

Traditions

Today was day one of the 1st Annual Wofford Clean-A-Thon. We (my Husband and I, that is) cleaned, argued, and argued about cleaning. It was a BLAST!

Traditions were never a big thing in my family so I like to try and make every moment as special and as memoriable as possible.

My husband hates cleaning, organizing, or anything of the matter. He also has a very tough time getting rid of things. I, however, suffer from OCD (well not really, but those close to me swear I do) and I thrive off of the afore mentioned activities. It's like a drug for me. It's a sickness. And I love it!

My hubby did come around and let me help him clean out his closet. He now has a sentimentals box for everything he couldn't part with. Today taught us about compromise. We only got to the kitchen and living room (Yes, his closet is in the living room. Weird, I know!) so we will see what tomorrow holds. We only have the bathroom, bedroom, and car to go!

Day two here we come!